Posted by
Blanca DeBree on Wednesday, October 17, 2007 8:52:36 AM
I am quite conflicted as a conservative, as a Christian, and as a
Republican. On one hand, Wal-Mart is the greatest thing to ever happen
to this country, providing poor people with crap they can afford, while
scaring the sh*t out of workers in this country that if they don't play
ball and accept lower wages and no benefits, that their jobs will be
outsourced to China. It is a win-win, for us rich, white Republicans.
Oh, and I guess the Chinks make out well, too.
But a dark cloud
has descended on this beautiful post-Reaganomic utopia of busted unions
and exploitable labor. It seems that the good folk of China are
Commies. And not just Commies, but the worst kind. They believe in
things like universal health care, which is just plain crazy. But not
only that, they believe in tax-payer funded abortions! But that is not
the worst. By far the most horrific thing about the Yellow Hordes is
that they have
forced abortions.
Any
woman caught pregnant after already having fulfilled her one-child
quota is forced to have an abortion. It's enough to make
Tom Delay's head spin.
I
had to find some solace, some moral guidance through these treacherous
waters. I decided to call upon my good gal pal, Michelle Malkin, to see
if she could help me figure out what to do about this dilemma. I
figured as a woman, Michelle could provide a maternal viewpoint, and as
a conservative, she could provide a moral guidepost, and as a Chinky
Chinky Chong Chong, she could maybe finally disclose that ancient
Chinese secret that gets clothes so clean and bright.
I met
Michelle in her favorite Filipino restaurants. As I got to the table,
she was on her third balut. I asked Michelle what she thought about the
fact that this wonderful corporation, which had helped our beloved
Commander Guy become
Commander Guy Part Deux,
was buying all of its products from a country that was not only
Godless, but was also forcing women to have abortions. I had to ask the
question twice, because the deafening slurping sounds Michelle made as
she sucked the eggshell dry made hearing me next to impossible.
She
ordered a fourth balut, and as she dangled the half-formed chick above
her head, preparing to down the entire bird in one swallow, her head
far back, and giant jaws agape like a killer snake descending upon a
white rat, she said not to worry, the balut juice streaming down her
mouth, past her neck, and collecting in a pool of rancid liquid in her
cleavage. She dropped the chick in her mouth and swallowed it whole, a
talent she most certainly learned in the Itchy Kitty Whorehouse back in
Cebu. She left out a belch, and then a fart, and smiled.
"Look,
you don't have to worry about it. It's not like shopping at Wal-Mart is
some kind of sin," she told me, undoing another button on her
nearly-busting jeans. "Yes, we conservatives believe in the sanctity of
all life, from conception to birth. After that, you're on your own, but
at least we give you a fair shot to be born, have no health insurance
and no job, fall into a life of crime, and be lethally injected for a
murder committed as a child. God bless Texas!"
"But what about all those poor Chinese babies being aborted," I cried.
"F*ck
'em," she said. "They're gooks, and no one cares about them anyway.
Just as long as they don't abort white babies, it's OK," she said as
she ordered a fifth balut.
Michelle made me feel OK about
supporting the mass murder or millions of yellow babies. It really is
OK, just as long as they aren't white, and it keeps Wal-Mart in
business, so they can take away poor white trash jobs, health care, and
hope, so those idiots turn to God (the Republicans) and they vote for
us, so we can repeal Roe v. Wade. Actually, it is quite poetic, if you
think about it. It doesn't matter how many yellow babies die, just as
long as the cute, white ones get saved.